The Emotions of a Leader
By Gerald Brooks        

Having pastored for the past twenty years, I have had the opportunity to face many challenges. My greatest challenges have come from dealing with the emotional side of leadership. The school that I graduated from prepared me for the spiritual and physical dynamics of ministry, but I was unprepared for the emotional challenges inherent in leadership. Leaders in ministry carry an overwhelming load as they combine the weight of responsibility with a sincere compassion to help hurting people. Many in leadership face burnout or breakdown, feeling that they are alone in their struggle for survival in ministry.

The following are six of the emotional difficulties I have dealt with as a leader. My hope is that as you read them, you will connect with some of your own leadership emotions and find encouragement and practical application on how to be a better leader.

1. Criticism

Every leader is going to be criticized. It doesn't matter how certain they may be that their decisions are reflective of God's will, they will be criticized. The philosopher Aristotle observed, "If you don't like criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." If you are convinced that your destiny is to do something--to make an impact in this life--then eventually you will be criticized.

For ministers, the most difficult aspect in dealing with criticism is that usually we cannot defend ourselves. When people criticize us, they can distort the facts. However, ministerial ethics force us to keep quiet, as we are unable to disclose what we know. So we must keep quiet and move on in love.

When faced with criticism, we must ask ourselves, "Is this criticism legitimate?" I've had to answer this question more than once. Sometimes I've found that the particular criticism was legitimate and other times it was not.

Criticism can be constructive, and we must be mature enough to check ourselves to see if changes need to be made. First, we must separate our emotions from the criticism before we can judge fairly. We can ask the Lord to search our hearts and to give us wisdom concerning any complaint.

Defuse criticism with prayer and blessing.

Next, we pray for the person who criticized us, asking God's love to surround him or her. When we bless someone, we take away the ability for that individual to hurt us. "Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing" (1 Pet. 3:9).

2. Unforgiveness

Pastors have numerous opportunities to be unforgiving, but as we grow, we learn to pass these up. Years ago, a lady in our church caused me great difficulty. She had the ability to stir up strife, and she utilized her gift proficiently. In addition, she enjoyed having power. She possessed that "in your face" style of communicating. One day, she and I had a frank discussion. I told her it was obvious she was unhappy with the leadership of our church and I believed it would be wise for her to pray and ask God to direct her to a church where she would be happy. I told her I would be praying that she found such a place. She eventually found another church family.

Three years after she had left our congregation, I was attending a conference in a convention center with 20,000 other people. With no intention of locating anyone in particular, I spotted this lady in that crowd. Out of 20,000 people, somehow I focused on her. Instantly, I felt a rush of anger. I couldn't believe the emotional turmoil that had welled up inside me. It had been three years and I thought I had dealt with any emotions associated with that situation. Immediately, God spoke this to my heart: "I will not let you hide those things that you have not truly dealt with." I needed to make some changes, and with God's help, I was able to resolve the bitter feelings through forgiveness.

Those you've helped the most are often the ones who hurt you.

Have you noticed that it's often the very person you've poured your life into who decides to leave the church? You've spent hours of time praying for them and with them, counseling them and possibly helping in financial ways and then they tell you that the Lord is leading him or her to a different church. It is the person's right to choose to leave. Now you're left with the opportunity to react in unforgiveness. The normal reaction would be to respond in an immature manner. Your heart feels unappreciated and this opens the door to unforgiveness. However, leaders don't have the luxury of wallowing in bitterness and unforgiveness.

It's impossible to perpetuate an ongoing attitude of unforgiveness and experience God's blessing and fruitfulness at the same time. Furthermore, we know that we're going to reproduce what we are in our followers, so we need to be a leader of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't always happen in an instant. Give yourself time, but start today.

3. Self-Pity

Self-pity is a result of two common habits: first, when we compare ourselves to others; and second, when we compete with others. When I start comparing or competing, I end up feeling discouraged because there are always those who are further along or better than I am in certain areas of life. 2 Cor. 10:12 "...and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise."

Surely, there isn't a profession more proficient at comparing and competing than pastors. Pray for them. That's the best cure for bitterness and unforgiveness. Taking the moral high ground to pray for your "competitors" keeps you in the place where God can minister to your heart.

As a pastor, you must beware of comparing your church with others'. There will always be a church with a larger attendance, a larger sanctuary, a larger youth ministry, and a larger income. You may get discouraged if you hear that a pastor friend had a larger Easter crowd than you had, or if another church bought a bigger piece of land than you bought. You can't judge your own ministry by comparing it with another's. Seek the Lord for wisdom to know how you can produce fruit in God's Kingdom. Our purpose in ministry is to further the Gospel and build up the Body of Christ. Our purpose is not to beat out another church and be able to brag about our Easter attendance.

4. Fear of Failure

The fear of failure must be avoided if a leader desires to experience growth in his or her personal and professional life. Ministers commonly face this fear, being apprehensive about making a mistake. "What if I make this move and discover that it wasn't God?"

In my own thought life, I have learned to respond to this question by admitting that people have seen us do many things that didn't work. A pastor making a mistake periodically isn't going to surprise his people. Accept the fact that mistakes will be made; this will reduce a great deal of the fear that plagues your mind. After you make a mistake, just try again. "For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again" (Prov. 24:16).

A primary reason why it is easy for our church to try new things is that I am not afraid to make a mistake. For example, we started a Saturday night service a few years ago. While the staff was casting the vision to the congregation, someone asked, "What if it doesn't work?" I answered, "Then we'll stop doing it." A similar situation occurred when we went to two services on Sunday morning. A church member wondered, "What if no one shows up to the early service?" I answered the same as before.

I am not afraid to miss it in life or in ministry. I believe that change is a natural characteristic of leadership, and I accept the fact that mistakes go hand in hand with change. We can miss God as easily by doing nothing as we can by moving forward. The most effective leaders are willing to risk failure to achieve success. What risk do you need to take right now?

5. Fear of Rejection

A fear of rejection begins to plague us when we seek to draw our security from the crowd. As long as we seek to draw our security from our people, we are unable to lead them into God's security.

Many fear that if they are not acting like the rest of the crowd, they will be rejected. What crowds are you afraid might reject you? For some, that crowd is their congregation. For others, the crowd is their peers, while others fear rejection from businesspeople in the community. Some people avoid doing something out of the ordinary and rising above the status quo because they fear the rejection of others. We must realize that to be accepted by God means that people will sometimes reject us. There will be people who do not like you no matter how well you hear God's voice. Jesus is the prime example of this fact. Remember when the people tried to throw Jesus off a cliff after He proclaimed that the Spirit of the Lord was on Him? (Luke 4:29) Although He was doing God's will, people weren't satisfied. Rejection is a part of life. We cannot afford to let it ruin our life, or to keep us from stepping out in faith.

Recall what Jesus said to Paul, that life-changing moment when Paul was converted on the road to Damascus: "(I am) Delivering thee from the people, and from the Gentiles, unto whom now I send thee" (Acts 26:17). God wants to deliver you and I from the people He's sent us to, so that we don't have to fear rejection from them. We can't be afraid that church members will leave, or that your staff will go start another church. These things can happen, but we can't live in fear.

Address the fears you face. Identify those areas that cripple or paralyze you and tackle them. Start by honestly bringing these before the Lord in prayer. One of the best characteristics a person can develop to overcome fear is perspective. The ability to see people and issues in light of eternity will change your life. One million years from now as we worship the Lord, those issues we face today will have a slightly different value. Having the discipline to see what is around us with the perspective of eternity will give us confidence in the presence of fear.

6. Loneliness

The job of a leader will be lonely at times. Leading means you are out ahead of the crowd--and that is a lonely position. All presidents have experienced the loneliness that accompanies their job. The day that the Gulf War began, President Bush walked the gardens at the White House for hours, agonizing over the fact that his decision would cause the deaths of many people. That day, he learned the loneliness of leadership. Abraham Lincoln, feeling the weight of leadership he carried alone, would get up in the middle of the night and walk the streets of Washington.

When I teach at a conference, one of my main objectives is to help build relationships between the pastors. Ministers often feel that there is no one out there to talk to. When the pressure hits and they make decisions without adequate support, they sometimes find those decisions to be fatal to their ministry. Simply building friendships with other pastors can alleviate some of the feelings of loneliness and the costly errors it can cause.

I remember how desperate I was for the advice and encouragement from other, more established pastors when I started pastoring a small church out in west Texas. I reached out to another pastor for understanding and advice as to what could be done to save my rapidly failing church. "Don't you remember what it was like to be a small and struggling church?" I asked. "No, and I hope I never do," was his answer. His response is part of the reason I am so inspired to reach out to help young pastors today. If through my experiences I can help someone--if we as a group of pastors can encourage and teach others by our successes and failures, then the Body of Christ will be made stronger. Today, let me encourage you that you are not alone, and that the difficult emotions so common to many leaders can be worked out by the grace of God.

This article is used by permission from Dr. Dan Reiland's free monthly e-newsletter 'The Pastor's Coach' available at www.INJOY.com.